How do you fix a shattered heart
by wild-in-spirit
Summary: i told him the truth, like he wanted, and he hated me. how could he hurt me so much? how could he break my heart? lets see them fix that when some of the pieces are missing


How do you fix a shattered heart with pieces missing?

"Remus, please, listen to me. I had to."

It was too late, he had gone.

"Mya, what's wrong?'" I looked over to my best friend, Lily Evans.

"Lily, its Remus. He's gone. He's furious at me."

"Oh, Mya, I'm sorry. This is our fault isn't it? Can I do anything to help?"

"No Lils but please, it's over. The war is over, just tell Harry. Explain it to him. Don't loose someone you care about, I'm begging you."

"We're going to him tonight. He's still at Sirius' home."

Lily and James Potter have been hiding from the Lord Voldermort. They had to fake their own deaths to protect Harry, their one and only son. Sirius Black had to make people believe he fell through The Veil. Each had to die to save Harry. Albus Dumbledore, Alastair 'Mad Eye' Moody and I were the only three people to know that these three people were still alive. It killed me to have to lie to the one person I ever loved, Remus John Lupin. Tonight was the night I was to tell him and he didn't take it well. I had left a year ago to fight Voldermort and everyone thought I was dead till a week ago when I reappeared. Remus had been away and only got back today. I had never seen Remus so angry and it hurt that it was me that upset him that much.

"Mya, before you go after him you should know something."

"What more could go wrong, Moody?"

"He's going out with someone, has been for nearly two months now."

"I know, Alastair. Molly told me."

They all looked shocked at how well I was taking it. I had expected him to move on and it had been a year since I saw him last.

"Look, guys, I only came back for 3 reasons. Reason number 1, to make sure you told Harry you are still alive and why you did what you did. Reason number 2, to show everyone I was still alive and kicking and reason number 3, to give Remus the antibody to his problem. I want him to be happy, and if this woman makes him happy, I'm happy."

They looked at me once again in shock.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Since the war I've seen that if you love someone you have to do what it takes for their happiness, even if you're not happy yourself. Now come on, Harry will just be coming home from Hogwarts now."

Wow, I really had matured over the last year. I had always been the child of our group, the one that always got into trouble. We all thought it was because I had never really had a childhood so I was making up for it as an adult. We arrived to the house of Black.

"Look, maybe me and Alastair should go in first and try and prepare him for the shock of his life, ok?"

They all nodded in agreement.

"Harry, Harry?"

"Yeah? Oh hi Mya, Moody. What's up?"

Wow, the boys grown a lot over the year.

"Maybe you should sit down my boy. Mya and I have a lot to tell you."

We entered the living room and Harry took a seat in front of the fireplace. The Black Manor brought back so many memories. Some good others not so good.

"Harry, what happens in the next few minutes is probably going to be one hell of a shock to your system. But before you get pissed off at us all you have to listen to the reasons and that in a way, it did help in the long run. You have to listen to everything you are told before you jump down everyone's throat about it. Can you do that for us?"

He seemed hesitant but nodded anyway. Before we could go any further we heard yelling coming from the other room.

**Oh, shit, not now Remus, anytime but not now**.

"HOW COULD YOU? WE WERE BEST FRIENDS, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

"I'll be right back guys. Alastair, stay with Harry and try and explain more."

I left the questioning face of Harry, the boy I had been named godmother of, and was extremely proud of. I entered the room to a fearful Lily and three angry faces of Sirius, James and Remus.

"YOU! You of all people I would think would have told me. I trusted you Mya, god, I even loved you."

"REMUS JOHN LUPIN, don't you DARE take this out on me. I wanted to tell you, I really did, but I swore I wouldn't. I hated lying to you, but I was not going to break my promise. But if you want to carry on yelling, go right ahead, but yell somewhere else because these three are about to go and see the person that they did this for. Go on in."

At this Lily had to drag James and Sirius to the other room where I heard Harry break into tears a few minutes later. **I should be in there**, I kept thinking, **but instead I have to baby-sit a grown bloody man.**

"So…are you going to explain yourself?"

"I don't have to explain anything to anyone, least of all you Lupin. Especially with the way you have treated me in the last hour."

He hung his head, he knew full well that it was the worst he has ever treated me. But I have to give him his due, I probably would have done the same, but I wasn't going to tell him that now, was I?

"I'm sorry. I was just surprised. I thought everyone I cared for was dead, it was a shock to my system that they were all alive."

"Not everyone you care about was thought dead, your girlfriend wasn't dead."

"Oh, yeah well, she's dead to me now."

"What? Why? I was told you two were happy together." I had my eyebrows raised in a questioning fashion.

"Yeah, we were. But a) I soon found she was a death eater and b) she was never you."

"Wait, what? She was never me, what's that meant to mean Remus?"

"That's just typical Mya. You hear the part about you but nothing else?"

"Remus, I did hear the part before but I can't comment. I didn't know her, did I?"

"Well, actually, you did. It was Tonks."

"WHAT? The same Tonks that tried to kill me? That Tonks?"

Woops, he didn't know about the whole killing thing and to be honest, I wasn't up to discus it. Quick, change the subject before he realises.

"They've been a while in there, maybe we should check on them." I started towards the door before I had a Remus blocking my path.

"She what? No one told me that."

"That might be because no one knew apart from the other three people who were thought dead. She was the one that I'm guessing told everyone she saw me killed by Voldermort?"

"Yeah, she is."

"I thought as much. Look, Remus, I don't really wanna talk about it, ok. Can we drop it?"

"No, Mya, we can't just drop it. I've been lied to by everyone I know; now I want some truth from someone I care about."

"Fine then. You want me to relive the worst time of my life. Be that way."

I sat back down and told him everything, from the beginning when I insisted on going in first, to the end when I was hit by Tonks. By the end of it I was in tears and couldn't control myself anymore. Remus was in a state of shock, just before my tears, Lily had come in to tell us that they were all going to The Burrow. We, of course, didn't go.

"Remus, please, say something."

"I don't know what to say, Mya."

"Say something like it will be fine, your home. Anything, I don't care. I'd prefer you to yell at me instead of just sitting there."

"Mya," he got up and walked over to me. He knelt in front of like he used to do when I was upset, "everything will be fine. But not right away, you know that. You'll have nightmares, and you'll feel like the world is out to get you."

"Thanks Remus, cos I didn't know that at all." It was my turn to get angry now. "You don't think I've already gone though those stages Lupin. You think I've spent the last year bounding about like a little bunny, like nothing could hurt me. After the fight it took Lily 8 months to get me out of the house we were in. I was afraid to be by myself. The old happy go lucky Mya had been destroyed thanks to Tonks. I was constantly looking over my shoulder. So much so that I actually walked into a few objects. So don't bother trying to psychoanalyse my situation because it's already been done. And don't bother apologising about it cos I'll tell you now, apology NOT accepted. You wanted me to tell you what happened, you pushed me to tell you. You even made me feel guilty just so I would tell you. I haven't even spoken to Lily about what we saw that day or what was done to me. Oh, yes Remus, much more happened to me after your little girlfriend left me lying there, leaving me to die. And no, I will not discuss it with you." I got up and walked towards the door to leave when I felt the small file of potion on my left pocket. "Oh, before I leave, I came to give this to you. It's the antibody to the werewolf gene. It will hurt like a bitch when you drink it but then you will stop transforming every full moon. Before you drink it go and talk to Lily, she knows how and when to take it." I placed it on a small round table. I could no longer look at Remus; he wasn't the man I was once in love with. He had changed, he was no longer the kind, caring Remy I had loved so dearly. He now spoke and acted like the beast he turned into once every month.

"Before I leave Remus, what's changed with you? What happened to make you so angry?"

"I made the mistake of falling in love with a woman that could never understand how I feel and would never feel the same way."

"Who was she?"

"You." I was stunned, **Remus loved me**

"Well, maybe if you had told me before you became this angry beast, you would have realised I loved you with all my heart, and last night when you lashed out at me and today when you forced me to tell you what I was not ready to tell you, you shattered my heart because you no longer turn into a werewolf once a month, but you are acting like one all the time."

I had to get out of there, I opened the door and left. As I walked the long road towards the country I heard the faint noise of laughter from all of the happy people in houses surrounding. **What happened to us Remus, we were once so close, why did it all change, why couldn't we have told each other how we felt, why were we both so blind?**

"Mya, come on Mya. You have to get out of bed at some point. It is your birthday today after all. Please Mya, get out of bed."

It had been 3 months after that horrible night and I had relapsed into my old ways. I thought I had accepted what had happened but it would seem that I hadn't.

"Lily, if I get up today, will you leave me to wallow in self pity for at least one weekend without any interruptions?"

"If that's the deal I have to make to get you out of bed on you 35th birthday then yes, I will leave you be for one weekend."

"Thank you. Do I have to make an effort?'"

"If would me nice Mya. Everyone is really worried, one person in particular."

God, it's only 9 o'clock and she's already brought him into the conversation.

"Can I change my deal with you to get me out of bed?"

"If you want, but you are getting out now so while you talk get dressed."

"Whatever."

I threw my covers off as I dashed into my cupboard and into the bathroom.

"You can't mention him for a month. Either hinting at him, saying his name or anything that could have anything to do with Mr Lupin. Got it Lily?"

"That's not fair. How am I ever going to get you two to be back on speaking terms if I can't even talk about Remus?"

"Lily Potter, what have I just told you. No Remus talk. Got it?"

"Fine, spoil sport."

"I heard that."

"You were meant to."

That was the only time the whole day that Lily mentioned the subject that was until that night when we were all going out for dinner. I was having a good time until the one person I didn't want to see walked in, and no, it wasn't him. It was someone much worse.

"Lily, get me out of here, please."

"Why, what's up?"

"The cause of my argument has just walked in and if I'm here I have to arrest her. Please Lily."

"You mean that bitch is here, were. I'll gouge her fucking eyes out."

"Lily Potter. I have never heard you swear once, not as long as I have known you and we're bloody married."

"Sorry James it's just, Mya has just seen Tonks walk in."

"Lily, shut up. Please can we go?"

She just nodded, but it was too late. Everyone at our table had heard what Lily had said and was now looking for her. Everyone knew what she had done and knew she was wanted for murder.

"She's over there with Lucius Malfoy. They look rather cosy together."

I spotted them and something changed in me, I don't know how to explain it. It felt like a barrier had been lifted. The next thing I knew I had Tonks pinned up against the wall with my bare hands and all the other Auras that were with us standing behind me. Lucius had, unsurprisingly, left before we could get him. But I was quite happy with getting my hands on the person that had screwed my life up, the main reason for mine and Remus' distant relationship now.

"How dare you? How dare you enter this restaurant with all these descent, HONEST people in?"

"Mya, I thought you were dead? Oh, thank god, does Remus know?"

"Don't act innocent with me you two faced bitch and don't you dare mention that mans name with me here."

She was no longer so confident. I could feel my grip around her neck getting tighter and could see her going blue from the loss of breath, but before I could hurt her anymore I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Mya, don't be like her, don't murder her. Let Alastair take her back to the Ministry and let them deal with her. She's their problem, not yours."

I wasn't going to argue, I knew she was right, so I just let her drop to the ground with a loud thud.

"Just remember Tonks, if you get out of Azkaban, which I doubt you will but still, if by some miracle they let you go I'll be right there to throw you back in."

"My fiancé would never allow me to go Azkaban."

"Oh and who is the poor sod that has you for a fiancé?"

"You're oh so precious Remus. He said that I seem to be the only one who cares about him now. Ask him yourself if you don't believe me, he's meeting me here."

And just like it had been timed, Remus walked through the door. He saw everyone staring and I could tell he knew why.

"YOU'RE MARRYING HER? WHY?"

"Because she was the only one who stayed once we had our argument. Even after I yelled at her and insulted her. She didn't run out on me unlike certain people I knew."

"Oh, and once again you're blaming other people apart from yourself. GROW UP REMUS. So that's why you're marrying her, because you think she's the only one who loves you."

"She is the only one Mya. You told me yourself that you no longer loved me."

"No Remus, I never said that. I told you that you had changed and that you had shattered my heart I never said I stopped loving you."

We lapsed into another silence; the only sound was the small laughter coming from behind me. I turned with my fists clenched.

"What? You think this is funny? You think that me wanting to kill you here and now with all these witnesses funny?"

At this she stopped, I don't think she realised just how furious I was at that moment.

"All because you had a crush on Remus you screwed my life up. You are the reason all of this happened. You were the one who told everyone I was dead, you left me to die. You were there to be the shoulder for Remus to lean on. Don't think I don't know all of this cos I know all of it. And you…" I was now facing Remus "…you think that no one loves you and how could you blame them. You avoided everyone, you didn't look at anyone. You were angry, snappy and had turned into the one thing you swore you wouldn't. You did the one thing you promised me you wouldn't. You swore you would never hurt me. Well, news flash Remus, you did. Not only did you hit me the night I told you everything that happened but you ripped my heart out, threw it on the floor and stepped on it like a common piece of dirt. For once in your life, Remus John Lupin, don't make out that you are the victim in this whole ordeal cos people like me have gone to hell and back to keep you and so many others safe and out of harms way."

Tears were once again streaming down my face. This had been the 3rd time this man had made me cry and I didn't plan on letting it happen again.

"Mya…" he stepped towards me but I packed off

"No Remus, no more sorrys, no more second or third chances. This is it, the end. I never want to see or hear you again. I am not going to cry over you again, it's happened to many times Remus. Go and marry Tonks, but she is going to Azkaban. You can say whatever you want but I'm not listening anymore. I'm fed up and, quite frankly, I'm bored of your crocodile tears. Have a good life Remus."

I left without another word. I knew that Alastair would take care of Tonks and I didn't need to worry but my world had just come crashing down. I had just lost Remus, my Remus; the one man I was ever truly, head over heals in love with.

Two years had now passed, what can be said about them, they were horrible. I hid behind work that I got given by the Ministry; I was now the head Aura. I worked late and started early. I saw Lily and James every once in a while but I was avoiding them with all I had. Whenever I saw them Lily would always bring up Remus and it was starting to get irritating. Right now I'm sitting in my office waiting for Alastair to get in. He still works here but was getting bored of the whole politics thing so he gave me the job. I'm apparently better fitted for the job. I don't play the stupid games that other bosses play; I make my own game and make them play my way with my rules. Alastair is proud of what I have managed to do. I actually love my job, it keeps me busy.

"Hey Mya.'

"Hi Alastair, what's new?'

"Nothing really, bloody Lily Potter keeps trying to get me to talk to you about Remus and it's annoying me. Will you please talk to her or, even better to shut her up, Remus.'

"Alastair, what have we spoken about? Whose name do we not mention when I'm here?'

"Yeah, I know Mya, but for fuck sake, you can't avoid everyone forever.'

"Maybe not, but I can sure as hell try to.'

We both just laughed. Alastair was the father figure I had never had. He always had the best advice.

"Well, if you want to carry on avoiding them you might want to get going. Remus is coming in to drop something off for me. And before you bite my head off, I had asked Harry but his mother insisted that Remus do it."

"Why can't that bloody woman keep her nose out of other peoples business? What is it with most women and having the incessant need to try and fix what doesn't need fixing? If it aint broken, don't try to bloody fix it, that's what I say."

"Yeah, well, before you start another round of confusing babble that I can't decipher, you better split. He's here."

He nodded towards the front desk.

"Oh, bugger. Thanks for the warning Moody. See you after lunch."

But it was too late. As I left I walked straight into him. **Why do I always have to go off on a rampage? SHIT. I bloody hate awkward silences.**

"Oh, sorry. I should have been watching were I was…"

He stopped mid-sentence. He had just noticed who he had literally bumped into.

"That's fine, Remus. Alastair's in the office. Bye." I walked as quickly as I could past him without once looking at him. If I had I would have probably seen the look of sadness in his eyes when I left so quickly.

"LILY, WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?"

"Oh, hello Mya, I didn't expect to see you here, why aren't you at work?"

"You know bloody well why I ain't at work. Why can't you just stay out of it? Why do you have to constantly try and fix what isn't broken?"

"Don't get stropy with me just because you can't see that it is broken. You're broken. You need to be fixed. I hardly get to see you anymore and when I do I don't recognise the woman I'm talking with. You're so distant towards everyone since the Remus incident."

"Of course I'm distant because everytime I do see you, you can't help but talk about him. It doesn't matter about Remus anymore Lily, he's married. REMEMBER?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you. He never got married. After what you said to him at dinner that night he couldn't go though with it. _She was right_, he kept saying, _she was right about everything, about me, and I have become a monster. I am the beast I didn't want to be. _He couldn't stop talking about you. He does love you Mya."

"Well, he has a strange way of showing it. Has he taken the potion?"

"No, he said there wasn't any point, that you would never go back to him after how badly he treated you. That he might as well just die because you weren't in his life anymore. He had no reason to live."

"He's a fucking idiot. I gave him that potion for a bloody reason. Wait till I get my hands on him."

"You mean you're going to talk to him?"

"Yes. As much as I dislike him right now, I do love him still Lily. And he is not going to go through hell after all the bloody work I did to stop his changes. He is going to hang for this."

"REMUS YOU LITTLE FUCK WIT!"

"Oh god, what have I done to displease you now?"

He looked so guilty but not as much as he was going to feel when I got though with him.

"Maybe I should leave you 2 alone."

"Good idea Alastair. You don't wanna see a grown man cry."

He left, and by Remus' face, he wished it was him leaving.

"Why the hell haven't you taken the potion? The potion that I gave you? The potion that I worked bloody years on to get it right? Is this your way of hurting me without words or violence, you're going to hurt yourself instead?"

He wouldn't look up from his feet and didn't seem to want to answer me.

"Remus, answer me. Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I saw no point in taking it. I had already lost you, nothing would make that better."

"Remus, sweet moronic Remus, you don't know what you are talking about. You never lost me, you pushed me away. If you had attempted to talk to me yourself instead of getting Lily to talk to me I would have listened. Oh, Remus, don't look at me like that."

I walked over to where he was sitting and took the seat next to him.

"Mya, you told me to leave you alone and to stay away from you. I was only following what you told me. You seemed furious and I didn't want to hurt you anymore. So I stayed away, it hurt, but I did."

I was the one to now feel guilty. He was right; I had told him to stay away from me.

"I'm sorry. I know it's not much of a conisation to what has happened recently but it's all I can say. I'm sorry for what I said that night I was just enraged. Especially with the fact that you were getting married to Tonks, of all people. Can you blame me for being angry?"

"No, I can't. And don't apologise, I was to blame, if I hadn't yelled at you and hit you none of this would have happened. Can you ever forgive me?"

I thought about it, I knew what I wanted to say but I didn't want him to know that it had been the only thing on my mind all the time we had been apart.

"I will on one condition."

"Name it, anything, as long as you start talking to me again and you don't avoid everyone we know."

"You, Mr Lupin, have to take that potion. And as it is a full moon tonight, I'll stay with you."

"No, I can't ask you to stay with me. I'll take the potion, but you're not staying."

"Yes I am. Don't argue with me cos you know you won't win."

I smirked at him; he knew he had lost the argument already. I was always the best when it came to arguments. I am extremely stubborn.

That night was rough; Remus was in agony as the potion started killing all of the werewolf genes. We had to put a silencing spell on the room. I had never seen Remus cry, but here he was, my knight in shining armour, crying from the pain searing through his body. By the end of the night the pain had subsided a bit, but not much. He was no longer screaming but tears were still rolling down his cheeks. We were lying on the bad that had been set up for every full moon in the basement for him. I had my back on the wall with Remus lying next to me with his head on my lap.

"Shh, it's ok Remy, I'm here. Shh, just get some sleep. It's ok."

I said this while stroking his head.

"Mya…"

"Yeah?"

"Why would you do this for me?"

"Because Remy, no matter what you think I do love you and nothing can change that."

"Oh, ok. Well, if it's makes the feeling any better, I love you to."

With this, Remus closed his eyes and went to sleep. I couldn't blame him; it was a rough night for him. I was tired myself but I was afraid to go to sleep. Not because I was afraid of him, I was afraid that if I did go to sleep that he wouldn't be there when I woke up and that all of this would be a dream. That Remus will have got married to Tonks and that he has forgotten all about how he felt for me.

"Mya?"

"Yes Remus?"

"Why aren't you asleep? And don't say you're not tired because you look shattered.'

"I just don't want to sleep, that's all."

"Are you afraid of me?"

"No. It's just; I'm afraid that if I go to sleep I'll wake up and find that all of this has been a dream."

He sat up from where he was and took my chin in between his thumb and index finger to bring my eyes up to meet his.

"This is not a dream, Mya. Don't worry. Please, get some sleep. If you don't I'll feel guilty for keeping you awake when you have work in the morning."

"Actually, I took the day off tomorrow. I wasn't sure how bad it would be tonight and how much sleep I would get so I just took the day off. Alastair's going to be there so I'm not that worried."

He still hadn't let go of my chin and his face had got closer. Soon, before I knew what was happening, his lips had met with mine and soon enough it was a full on passionate kiss. It felt like electric was shooting through my spine. He pulled away and it felt like I was lost without his touch.

"So, does that mean I get to spend the day with you?"

"If I'm not asleep then yes."

"Good. Get some sleep."

"No, because I know if I go asleep you won't. You need sleep more than I do; you went through more than I did tonight."

We just sat there, looking into each others eyes until he broke the eye contact while he lay back down with his head back on my lap.

"If you are falling asleep, just roll with it. You might find you enjoy the sensation of sleep. It can be good for you, you know."

He laughed to himself and drifted off to sleep once again. I suddenly felt tired myself and before I could do anything to stop it, I went into a dreamless sleep.

"Should we wake them?"

"No, just leave them be, they look happy."

"But hasn't she got work today?"

"No, Alastair said that she booked the day off cos of last night."

"Oh, that explains it. I wonder how it went."

"It was bloody horrible, now bugger off."

"Remus, be nice to them. They're only curious."

I finally opened my eyes to be met by more than just Sirius and James, but Lily, Harry and some of the others.

"Come on Remus, you have to get up at some point. And my legs are going numb. Please get up."

"No, I'm comfortable."

"If you don't get up you'll be praying for the pain from last night when I get through with you."

"Spoil sport."

"Hey, only I can call her that."

"Ok, that's enough of the insults toward me for today. Now Remus, last chance, get up."

He still didn't move. He didn't even open his eyes.

"That's it. UP!"

At this I threw him off the bed with my wand. He landed with a thump.

"HEY, no fair." He looked shocked and a little bit hurt. I just smiled a very sickly sweet smile,

"I warned you Remy, but did you listen, no. You thought I was joking."

He just stared at me then came the guilt trip. He gave me the puppy eyes. The hurt little puppy eyes.

"Remus, no. Don't do that, it's just cruel and unusual torture. Don't use the puppy eyes on me. I'm sorry just please stop with the puppy eyes, anything but the puppy eyes."

I ended up hiding my head under the pillow on the bed. Everyone was just laughing at me.

"Guys, it not funny, when ever he doesn't get his way he always does that. I thought it might have changed but it hasn't. Remus, stop it."

"I have stopped. You are so over dramatic."

"Am not."

As I brought my head up, I saw that everyone had left and Remus was just standing with a smirk on his face.

"What are you looking at?"

"Oh, nothing apart from the most beautiful woman in the world."

"You are such a suck up, but you're forgiven."

"What for? I wasn't the one who through the person they loved off the bed."

"That may be true but you were the one that made the person they love feel guilty first thing in the morning with bloody puppy eyes. And stop bloody smirking, you remind me of Lucius Malfoy when you do that."

"Now that's taking too far." He ran straight for me but I had always been quicker than him, I managed to jump off the bed before he got to me.

"OW. Why did you do that?"

"You, Mr Lupin, were about to tackle me. So, ha, that deserves you right."

"Oh, really, well Miss Brooks. I might just have to spend the day by myself if that's how you are going to be."

I looked at him shocked. **If he wants to play like that then so can I. **

"Ok, well, have fun by yourself. I'm gonna go upstairs and spend some time with Sirius I think. Bye."

At this I ran towards the door, but as I reached it, the door slammed shut and locked.

"I don't think so Mya. Now, do I have to drag you to bed or will you come over here of your own free will?"

"I think you'll have to make me Remy."

I then began to run back towards the bed when I felt two strong arms wrap around my waste and lift me up into the air.

"No Remus put me down. Please, I'll be good just anything but…"

Before I could finish my sentence Remus had captured my lips with his own, the feeling of love seeping from him. This was the first time in a long time I truly felt loved.


End file.
